Back Again, Conviction
by c.roy
Summary: Alex is back, obviously. Before 180.00 and Hostage. SVU Crossover, I'll also post this under SVU, AO
1. Thoughts

**Olivia's POV**

She's been back for months now and still no calls from her. I suppose she doesn't want that part of her life back. I've seen her from afar, but I've always been too nervous to go and say hi. Before she left, things sort of got intense. We blatantly flirted with each other any chance we got, but nothing else really. We never kissed or touched each other, the way I wanted to. She was gone before I got the chance, she was taken before anything could have happened. I wonder if she even still thinks about me. I heard from one of the guys that she got engaged. She has been back for a total of six months and she is already engaged. I know there wasn't anyone before she left, so that means in six months, she has fallen in the love with the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

I know that one day, we will have to talk, whether either of us wants to or not.

**Alex's POV**

I've been back for about six months now and I haven't gotten up the courage to call her yet. What am I supposed to say to her? It wasn't like anything ever happened between the two of us, though there was some less than subtle flirting before I was put in the program. She never made a move though, she never kissed me or touched me in any way that was more than professional. I'm engaged now, I wonder if she knows. I don't know why I'm engaged, I'm not in love or anything. I guess that after being in the program for two and a half years I just needed someone. But why not her, she is someone, the only someone that I wanted, that I still do want. I've seen her twice, but we haven't talked, I was in the courtroom on my way out and she was talking with Elliot about a case it seemed like by the water fountain about thirty feet away. I just stared at her for a little bit before leaving. The second time I saw her was out actually, I was out with Robert and she leaving a bar with the guys. I stayed in the cab until they dispersed.

I know that one day, we will have to talk, whether either of us wants to or not.


	2. Not Now

**Olivia's POV**

This week's case was especially hard, a young girl was beaten and raped by her step father and left in a park in Harlem. I really didn't think we'd ever get through it, I slept in the crib for the entire week. When it was finally over Cragen let me have off until Wednesday. I have no idea what I am going to do with my time though, I try not to think about her and what happened or didn't happen for that matter. I want to see her, I want to talk to her, and I want to tell her how I feel.

Saturday morning I slept in late and enjoyed being able to relax. When I did wake up I needed to go for a run, to relieve the remaining stress I had. I decided to go through Central Park, I hadn't run there since Alex was put in the program. We used to run through there together three mornings a week.

As I ran through the park it felt good to listen to my music as loud as possible and move as fast as I wanted to. I missed my runs through the park, I especially miss her.

**Alex's POV**

For the first time since I've been back, I decided to go for a run through Central Park. She and I used to run through there all the time before I was put in the program. As I was running I started to think about her. How much I missed her. How much I wish I told her how I felt. How much I want to talk to her. I just don't know what I would say. There is too much to be said. I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to get rejected and I know that is what would happen if I told Liv how I actually felt about her. As I was running through the park I was coming up to the hill where we used to stop and sit on the bench at the top to take a breather. From afar I could see someone sitting on the bench. As I got closer, I realized it was her. It was now or never, I could turn around and hope to never see her again or I could continue on and sit down with her. I can't just run past her.

"Olivia." It was more of a statement than anything else. She turned and looked at me.

"Alex!" She exclaimed. "Umm, I heard you were back."

"I'm sorry I haven't stopped by or anything, I just haven't…"

"You don't have to make excuses, I could have just as easily come and said as to you." She said as I started to say I had been busy. Which wasn't the truth but wasn't really a lie either.

"How have you been?" I asked as I sat down next to her.

"Alright I suppose. Cragen gave me a couple of days off because of a hard case this week. How about you, how are you doing?" She said awkwardly.

I held up my left hand. "Engaged."

"Oh yeah, I heard something about that, congratulations."

"Thank you. 'Liv, I have thought about you." I said and looked at her for her approval to continue.

"Alex, I have to get back to my apartment. Stop by the station, the boys would love to see you sometime. They miss you…" She said as she got up. She obviously didn't really want to talk. 'They miss you.' What about you Liv, did you miss me? Because, I have thought about you every minute since I had to say goodbye in the park and I've missed you more than anyone else while I was gone, and even when I came home. You 'Liv, no one else, YOU.

**Olivia's POV**

As soon as she called me 'Liv I felt the need to get out of there. She called me 'Liv when she was flirting with me or when we were alone together. Hearing her say 'Liv brought back everything that didn't happen but should have. I made some lame ass excuse and left you there. I wonder if you could see right through me, you used to be able to call me out. As I walked away I waited for you to yell at me and call me back, but you didn't. You just let me keep walking…My eyes started to water and by the time I was out of the park I was crying, openly. Something I never did.

**Alex's POV**

I watched you walk away, I let you walk away. I used to call you out when you acted this way, but not today, not now atleast. When I couldn't see you anymore I continued on my run, the entire time thinking about you.

For the next five days all I could do was think of you. I needed an excuse to see you, so I thought I'd wait to 'say hi to the guys' until you were back from your leave.

When I walked in the desk sergeant waved friendlily. I walked up the stairs I used to climb on a daily basis just to see your face and bright smile. I would make up an excuse like going over case notes for a trial or seeing if they needed any warrants. I finally made up to the SVU floor and took a deep breath before walking in.

"Cabot! You're alive!" Fin joked as I came in. Olivia looked up the second she heard my name and turned to look at me. "It is about time you came by to say hello. We've missed you!"

"I've missed you too Fin. I've been so busy since I've gotten back. I'm sorry I haven't made it over sooner..."

"Nah, it's alright. Munch and Elliot are out and Cragen isn't here today either. It is just Olivia and I right now. I'll radio the other guys see where they are."

"Oh, okay. Thanks. Hi 'Liv…" I said softly.

"Hey." She spoke sharply. "I have to go to the bathroom, I'll be back." She got up without looking at me and left for the bathroom.

"The guys will be back in like ten minutes, if you can stick around. They said that they'd love to see you."

"Alright, thanks Fin."

"Have some coffee, it tastes the same as it did two and a half years ago!"

"No thanks, I'm good. I think I'm gonna go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"Alright Cabot, take your time."

I walked out to the bathroom and took another deep breath before walking in.

**Olivia's POV**

I had to get out of there, I could bare just to be around her. She called me Liv again. Doesn't she know what that does to me? She has to, because she called me that in the park the other day too.

I was splashing water in my face and I heard the door open. I turned and watched her walk in.

"Hi 'Liv…" She said softly. The way that my name came out of her mouth seemed so natural, the way she said, the tone, everything. I took a deep breath before replying.

"Hi." I got some paper towels and quickly dried my hands and tried to leave. "I'm all done, do you mind?" I snapped.

"'Liv, can we talk?" She asked calmly.

"Don't call me that!" I retorted. She looked at me awkwardly. "Not now Alex, okay, just not now."

"Well then, when can we talk?" She asked softly.

"I don't know, I have a lot going on right now." I walked out of the bathroom and back into the office.

I got back to my desk and continued on the paper work I had been doing all day. Munch and Elliot came back in.

"Where's Cabot?" Elliot exclaimed as he walked in.

"She went to the bathroom, she should be back soon." Fin announced.

In walked Alex, with a little pep in her step. Was she trying to make me more upset?

"Hey El and Munchie! I've missed you two!" She said as she hugged the two guys.

**Alex's POV**

I walked over and leaned up against 'Liv's desk during my visit. I saw her continue working and completely ignoring the fact that I was inches from her. At one point her hand brushed against one of mine that was on her desk. Her touch was so soft, I started to crave it a bit. I moved my hand a little closer to her to see if she reacted a bit. A few more 'accidents' she called them as she apologized each time. I disregarded it and kept my hand there.

After about an hour of catching up with the guys and Liv and I subtly flirting I had to leave.

"Well, guys and Olivia it has been great seeing you all, but I should go, I have to be in court later this afternoon."

"Alright, we missed you Cabot. Make sure you stop by again, soon." Elliot said.

"I'll by again later this week. We should all go out for drinks sometime." I offered.

"Great idea, Friday after work, we should all meet at Maloney's at 7:30, that way if one of us has to work late, chances are we can still make it on time." Munch suggested.

"I'm in!" I added.

"Good, we'll see then Cabot."

"Bye everyone, it was great seeing you all again!" I said before turning to Olivia. "Bye Olivia…" I whispered.

"Bye Lex…" She whispered in reply. I hadn't heard her say that in a long time and it caused a smile to creep across my face.


	3. Lying To Myself

**Olivia's POV**

I watched her walk out of the office until I couldn't see her anymore.

"So, Liv did you just fall in love all over again?" Elliot asked nonchalantly.

"She just walked right in here like nothing ever happened." Fin stated.

"I can't believe she was just here. We've all known that she has been back for sometime now, but she hasn't even stepped foot near the 16th in the six months." Munch added.

"Shut up El, this was the second time I've seen her. She is engaged and happy."

"When did you see her?" The three guys asked at the same time as they looked at me.

"I went for a run Saturday on our old route and so did she. We talked for a few minutes before I made up some excuse to leave." I stated plainly.

"Why, I thought you would have been excited to see her." El replied.

"Yeah, well so did I." I added. "I just… I don't know El, just now for instance she came in said hello talked for a little bit, sat on MY desk, and left. She has been back for six months El, I understand that she might have been busy, but no phone call hello or a quick stop by in between cases, NOTHING"

"Olivia, I understand that you're upset about her never coming by. I know that there was something more between you two before she left-"

"Elliot, stop now!" I shouted. Munch and Fin looking up from their work.

**Alex's POV**

I tried to walk out and look strong but almost turned around and walked right up to Liv and kiss her. Yes, I wanted to kiss Olivia Benson, mainly because I am absolutely one hundred and ten percent in love with her. I'm engaged though so a man I will never love. It is out of convenience; Liv will never forgive me for being so stupid before, Robert was there when I was too scared to go to Liv.

I said bye to the desk sergeant and continued out of the building. I kept thinking of ways to bump into Olivia again, but I knew it would look completely obvious if I had just happened to bump into her.

I headed back to my office and sulked into my chair once I got there. I thought about who I could talk to, I didn't have anyone to talk to. I got up in search of one of my ADAs.

"Hey Jessica." I said as I stood in the doorway of one of my brightest ADAs.

"Cabot, hi. What can I do for you?"

"I know you and I have never really got along that well and all but I sort of need your advice on something." I murmured.

"Umm, okay. Shoot…" She replied.

"Can we talk about this in my office?" I asked.

"Sure, in your office it is." She said as she got up and we walked to my office.

"Have a seat please." I said as I saw down. She sat down as well.

"Okay Alex, is everything okay?" Jessica asked as she got comfortable.

"Have you ever been in love?"

"Is this about Jim?" She asked bluntly.

"Oh god no… Sorry, no, this has nothing to do with Jim." I reassured her.

"Okay, thank god." She added. "Well, the answer to your question is, yes… I have. I think I am…"

"You and Jim are that serious?" I questioned.

"Sort of… anyways what is that you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Have you ever been in love with someone so much, but they are completely unattainable?"

"Yes, I believe I have been. You have Robert though, is there someone else now?"

"Well, they have always sort of been there, we knew each other before I was even in the program. We worked together over at SVU and we actually just saw each other for the first time the other day. And I went over to SVU and we sort of talked, with the rest of the squad. It isn't that easy…"

"Why did you let go?"

"I am scared, still am. I wouldn't have gotten where I am today if we were together."

"Why is that?"

"Well, she—"

"Oh, okay. Wow, Cabot, I had no idea that you batted for that team…" Rossi stated, a bit shocked.

"No one really does, nothing ever really happened between us, we flirted and all, but we never got together or anything like that. When I came back from the program I was afraid that she had moved on or she was just being friendly before. So I held off seeing her for six months and in the mean time I got engaged and started telling myself this huge lie."

"Alex, wow, so the rumors were true." She laughed. "Does she know how you feel?"

"I'm not sure, I think she might. She was pushing me away though and then sort of flirting with me today. She wouldn't let me call her 'Liv' but she 'accidentally' brushed her hand against mine while I was leaning on her desk and then she called me 'Lex,' as I left. I made the mistake of lying to myself over the past six months and I'm afraid that I'm going to have to live with that for the rest of my life."

"Alex, tell Liv how you feel, chances are she probably feels the same way about you. You're an amazing person Cabot, I know we've had our differences, but I look up to you."

"Thank you Jess, it means a lot. I'll give Olivia a call sometime this week to talk to her. But first, tonight, I'll have to talk with Robert…"

"Alright, give me a call if you need anything or if something happens, I'm here for you." Jess reassured me.

"Thank you Rossi, okay well go get back to work, and please don't tell anybody about this, even Jim…"

"I won't, you have my word on that." Jess replied.

"Thank you…" I said to her as she left my office.

I sat and stared at my phone before I actually got up the courage to call Robert.

**Olivia's POV**

She is back, really back. I've seen her, talked with her, gotten upset at her, shut her out, and flirted with her. It is just like old times, except now I am the one shutting her out instead of her shutting me out. Now she knows how it feels though, well maybe she doesn't care because the last thing on her mind is probably having any sort of personal relationship with me. After all she is engaged to a really great guy according to her.

After work that day I headed home and went for a run on our old route, past our favorite bench and through our most favorite part of the city. When I got home I collapsed in bed and my eyes started to fill with tears. I missed her, I really did and seeing her again didn't help. It was about nine when I got a call from Elliot about DB in Bryant Park, possible rape. I left my apartment and headed back out.

"Hey, so what's up?"

"We have a female, DB rape victim, Alexandra Roy, nineteen years old, lives on Central Park West, and attends Columbia. It wasn't a robbery, credit cards and a large sum of cash are still in the purse. I have a call into the parents, but the maid said they are out of town or the week, gave me a cell number, left a message on that to call me back as soon as possible."

"Alright, did anyone see anything?" I inquired.

"No, of course no one saw anything. That would make things too easy for us. Munch and Fin are canvassing right now, there is a bodega across the street, that the victim had a receipt in her purse from earlier this week. I'm supposed to go over and took to the guy and see if she was with anyone, anything look out of order. You want to go over with me?"

"Sure, let's go."

The night was routine, we finally got a hold of the parents around midnight and they are going to be on the first flight back to New York, her father is the famous director, Michael Roy. I stayed in the crib that night after working until two in the morning, going over the questions and answers from the canvas and talking with the employee at the bodega. The bodega employee was a huge help, saying the girl came in many times a week usually with the same guy, but on Tuesday she came only which was unusual and today she came with a new guy, who was a lot older. He gave a fairly good description and we asked him to come in the following morning to talk with a sketch artist.

**Alex's POV**

I sat at the booth waiting for Robert to arrive. I was nervous as hell to talk to him. I saw him walk in and I waved as he scanned the dining room.

"Hi sweetheart, sorry I'm late, things ran a bit late at the office."

"Oh, okay…"

"So what is it you want to talk about Lex?" He asked as she took his seat.

"Order a drink." I waved over the waiter.

"Hello there Miss Cabot, what can I get you?"

"Robert, what are you going to have?"

"I'll have a Bacardi and coke please, light on the ice." I told the waiter.

"Alexandra is everything okay?"

"How was your day?"

"You are stalling, what is the matter?"

"I went back over to SVU today to see everyone over there."

"I thought you said you didn't want that part of your life back. You were going to try and move on."

"I couldn't, they were the only real friends I had before I went into the program, and I couldn't completely just abandon them. I missed them too much."

"Okay, so how did it go?"

"Great, really great. They were having a quiet day so they were all able to talk and catch up. I had forgotten how much fun they all were."

"That isn't all, is it?"

I put my head down and my hands and shook it slowly side to side. My eyes started to water and when I brought my head back up the tears were flowing. "I can't do this…" I said softly.

"What can't you do Alex?" He inquired.

"This, you and me. I can't lying to myself. Robert, you are an amazing man and I never thought or wanted to hurt you." I cried.

"What is happening Alex?"

"Robert, I'm sorry…" I said.

"Alright, Alexandra I want you to be happy and I wanted to be the cause of that happiness, but it looks as though I'm not going to be. You go, I'll take care of your drink." He said, trying to remain strong. "I wish you all the best." We both stood up and we hugged one last time and he kissed me on the cheek.

"Thank you for understanding Robert, thank you so much…" I whispered in his ear. I took my coat and left the restaurant and headed back to my apartment.


	4. 4

**A/N: I'm sorry to say that this will be the last chapter for a little while. I am still going to write this story, but I have a lot going on for the next week or so, so I won't be able to write much. However, as soon as I have time I will start the next chapter. Thanks for all the comments, they are so encouraging!**

Olivia's POV

When I woke up the next morning it was to somebody shaking me awake.

"This better be fucking good, I'm exhausted." I said as I opened my eyes. "Oh, Cap, good morning…"

"Go home Olivia. Someone will cover you, you need to go get some sleep, I know I just gave you half a week off and it has only been one day since you've been back, but you look like shit. Think about taking a vacation, relaxing maybe."

"Cap, no I'm fine…"

He cut me off. "Olivia Benson, don't argue with me. Go home, get some sleep, come back this afternoon around 2."

"Alright Cap…" I put my shoes on and trudged out in the office. Elliot was sitting at his desk and looked up at me.

"Damn Benson. You really do look like crap."

"Thanks and good morning to you too!" I quipped. "I'll see you at 2, when Cap is letting me back."

"Alright, see you latter then." Elliot said as I headed out.

I drove home getting caught in a little bit of traffic along the way. When I got there I kicked off my shoes and climbed into bed. I tried to fall asleep, but I couldn't. I kept thinking about Alex being back in town and having actually seen her and flirted with her. Oh gosh, flirting with her came so natural. It was like nothing had every changed, except it had. She wasn't the same Alexandra Cabot I know and love. She isn't the same as she was before she went into the program.

I started to wonder about what could've happened between the two of us if she never went into the program. Would we be together? Would we be in love? Would we have started seeing each other and ended each other before too long? Would she have been in control of the relationship? Would I have been in control of the relationship? The questions were endless and they all ran through my head that night. It was actually starting to drive me a bit crazy. I wanted to call her and just lay everything out on the table for you. Let her know how I feel and how I've always felt. Would she pull me close and tell me she feels the same way or would she push me even further away and not say anything at all?

Alex's POV

The next day at work I just sat at my desk and tried to read a motion but I couldn't concentrate for anything.

"Cabot." Jessica said, as she stood in my doorway.

"Jess, hey, what's up?"

"I think I should be asking you that. I've been standing here for almost five minutes and you keep looking at the same page there, with no emotion on your face. How did things go last night?"

"Good, I suppose, as best as expected. He told me he wanted me to be happy and he wanted to be the cause of that happiness, but he could tell he wasn't going to be. It was a lot easier than I had expected."

"So what about her? Have you two talked yet?"

"No, we haven't… She works a lot and I don't want her to feel obligated to sit down and have me pour my heart out to her."

"Call. Her. Today!" Rossi stated. "Actually, call her now." She continued into my office, closing the door and sitting down in one of the seats for clients in front of my desk.

"Umm… alright, what time is it?"

"Ten, call her cell…"

I dialed the number and let it ring. "Benson?" The voice said groggily.

"Oh, Liv it is Alex. Am I waking you?"

"No, not really… umm… what's up?"

"Nothing, I was wondering if we could get together to catch up soon? I feel terrible for not stopping by or calling earlier…"

"Yeah, I'll talk to the guys when I go into work this afternoon."

"Well, I was hoping, just you and I could get together…"

"Oh…" She sounded different all of a sudden. "Sure, when were you thinking?"

"How is tomorrow night? Dinner, I'll cook…" I offered.

"Sure, what is the address?"

I rattled off the address, we picked a time and I told her that dinner would be a surprise. We talked idly for a few more minutes before she said she had something to do. I said it was fine and I would see her the following night.

"How did I do?" I asked Jess who was still sitting in my office, with a stoic face.

"Pretty good. I was impressed. If you were asking me out I might have said yes and I am straight."

"Thanks, except I said just to catch up, not out on a date."

"Sounds like one to me Cabot. Probably did to her as well…"

"Oh yeah, she is really jumping at the opportunity to go out on a DATE with me, just like I am her."

"Aren't you?" Rossi questioned.

"Yes and no. It would be a lot, it isn't like it will advance my career at all."

"Hold up! Are you saying you haven't already asked her out because you are afraid that your career will get hurt? Cabot, I thought you were smarter than that. I still do, that is why I am going to tell myself you didn't just say that. If you want her enough, your career won't even matter…" She got up and headed out of my office. "Think about that Cabot." She said as she opened the door and left.

I pondered what she had just said. Was I seriously afraid of a relationship with Olivia because of the effects it might have on my career? It actually sounded quite selfish. Rossi was right, if I do want her enough then my job shouldn't matter, she should. Olivia should be the only thing that matters that much to me…


End file.
